The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
