i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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