listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
