This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
