I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
