I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
