If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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