Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
