At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
