I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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