I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
