burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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