Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
