I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
