dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
