I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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