The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
