I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
