good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
