Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
