To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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