I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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