Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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