now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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