im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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