You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
