I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
