Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
