do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
