how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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