in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
