my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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