Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
