I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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