I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
