Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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