I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
