I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
