But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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