like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
