College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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