'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
