i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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