She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
