i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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