He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
