I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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