im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
