You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
