You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
